(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
You Might Also Like
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
How animals would run if they were human
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.