“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
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GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
My birthstone is kidney
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.