I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.