I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
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My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Somebody call the cops.
🤣😂
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.