[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
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It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.