NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
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Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
No, YOUR illiterate.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.