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I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Thursday
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
I love the National Park Service.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.