Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
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This was the best day of my life
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.