‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
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20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.