In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
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Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Never be a pizza!
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
#Caturday
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
In my 20’s: might hit the club tonight.
In my 40’s: might go to the grocery store to listen to some bangers.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*