Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
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*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.