CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
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[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?