using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
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I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it