For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My favorite female superhero
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky