The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
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Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
A family that plays together cheats.