Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me