Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
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A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
181.
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
U talkin 2 me?
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
just witnessed a drug deal
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
So creative 😂
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”