Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
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[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
it’s finally my moment to shine
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
scared to check what name she chose
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue