bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
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I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
john wicks are toilet candles
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun