Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
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My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Nose
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Simple
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost