Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
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Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Ion see the issue
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”