Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
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“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”