Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
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I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
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