When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
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ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Story of my life…..
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.