What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
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I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.