[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*