the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!