Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
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Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Hey i am sexy to you now
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.