What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
You Might Also Like
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Name this drama.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
A Match(.com), but for socks.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
This January has 47 Mondays
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead