[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
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At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
a badder mouse
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
I’d use my best pan on you.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.