I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
You Might Also Like
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Happens to everyone.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor: