Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
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Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
is this a threat
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?