I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
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Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…