[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
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When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.