If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
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Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
prepare for carbonated trouble
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.