People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
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I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories