An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
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[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant