I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
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If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
who wants to go expliring
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
I’m not stressed
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.