Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
You Might Also Like
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.