me logging onto twitter
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My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.