[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
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Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
He took my last fry, your honor
Pizza is an emotion right?