6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
You Might Also Like
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Writing, She Murdered.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games