What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
You Might Also Like
Duck typos.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.