ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
You Might Also Like
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.