Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
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Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
Do not levitate over flowers
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.