oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Got ya covered
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!