I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
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Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
58.
I feel it
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.