My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
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Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event