[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
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I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them