the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I have a new favorite meme page
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
This why you should mind your business